Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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