I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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