Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
