im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
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