just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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