he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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