i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
Randomize
