there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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