You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
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