I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
BRING THE BAGELS
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Randomize
