you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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