I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
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