Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
