a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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