I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
