Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
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