i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
sex in a hospital.. check
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Randomize
