when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Randomize
