I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
