I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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