I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
