i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
They took my balls.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
Randomize
