I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Randomize
