If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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