i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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