I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
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