I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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