Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
