you guys were way drunker than both of me
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Randomize
