My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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