the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Randomize