Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
