I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Randomize
