upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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