there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Randomize
