I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
