I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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