dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
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