I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
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