Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize
