I painted my nails silver
And what are the implications of that?
Is there supposed to be a msg in that? Just thought ud like to know it looks like I fingerbanged an alien
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
