I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Randomize
