Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
