Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Of course I have a pirate flag
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Randomize
