he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Green mimosas i think yes
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Randomize
