Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
You are a genius and a whore.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Randomize
