what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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