i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Randomize
