You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
