Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
