ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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