I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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